Hot Dogs, Handbags and Oh Hell
by lilsherlockian1975
Summary: Sherlock, Molly and John are in New York on a case... Sherlock and John start bickering like... well like Sherlock and John and poor Molly gets pulled into the fray.


**_First off let me say, I like my Mollys very strong, smart, independent. That being said, if you find this one a bit lacking, just go with it... it's just a bit of cracky fun._**

**_I own nothing, and wrote this (with no beta) in less than an hour. Please forgive my mistakes. Enjoy!_**

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"What the hell is this?" Sherlock asked staring down at the food in his hand.

"It's a hot dog Sherlock, you eat it." John informed as he relished his food and Sherlock gave him a disgusted look.

"I recognize it as a hot dog John, what sort of meat is it? Is it pork? Is it poultry? Is it platypus?"

"I don't know! Just eat the damn thing!" John replied then took bite.

"I have no intention of consuming food if I can't even recognize it's genus. How can you stand there and eat that, aren't you the least bit concerned?"

"_Erlock_!" John swallowed a rather large bite of the food. "If you don't eat the dammed thing I'm gonna shove it up you arse!" Then he hiccuped.

Sherlock smirked at having gotten his friend riled up. "I don't think that will help dispel the rumors of our acquaintance doctor!"

John took a deep cleansing breath. "Molly..."

Molly walked up to Sherlock and looked up at him through her eyelashes. "Sherlock, are we not posing as tourists?" He nodded. "So wouldn't it seem logical that we would partake in staple New York foods?" Again he nodded. "So to keep our cover maybe you should eat the disgusting food and stop arguing with your best friend in the middle of the street?" She never raised her voice, it was always sweet, sincere. Then she patted his chest and Sherlock took a bite of the hot dog.

"Mmmm, this is excellent!" He said, Molly and John both rolled their eyes unnoticed by Sherlock, he was too engrossed in the new culinary delicacy.

"You are Jobe." John whispered in Molly's ear.

"I heard that, if you're implying that it requires patience to be my domestic partner..."

John cut him off, "Oh, here we go again, why can't you just call her your girlfriend? You are such a child!"

"I'm a child!? Girlfriend makes it sound like we are in primary school! And furthermore why do you care so much, Molly doesn't?

"Please! Of course she cares..." John protested.

"As if you understand the delicate workings of our complex relationship." Sherlock replied.

"I understand that you're a tit!"

Molly fell behind the men as their argument continued. She loved them both, one as a lover, the other like a brother. However they were both infuriating. She took a deep breath and wondered why she ever thought coming to New York with the pair was a good idea.

"Molly tell John that..."

"I'm not getting in the middle of this fight again." She had stopped at a street vendor and was looking at handbags.

Sherlock grabbed her wrist, "Oh no, you won't be buying anything from these swindlers." He practically dragged her away from the disgruntled looking man. "I should have never brought you to this city. They probably smelled you as soon as you got off the plane, you're such an easy mark."

"Good God Sherlock! She did manage to take care of herself for thirty-three years before you started your twenty-four/seven surveillance." John exclaimed.

"Oh yes, she did such a great job of that didn't she? Let's recap shall we?" They had stopped walking, "How many times has your car been stolen Molly?"

"Only twice." She said in a small voice.

"Three times actually, you're a horrible liar. I can't believe you managed to keep my secrete for two years. Let's not forget you uni boyfriend that... how did you put it?"

"He Grinched me." She said not looking up.

"What?" John asked.

"He took everything I owned when he moved out... on Christmas Day." Molly got this far off look in her eyes. ".._.leaving crumbs much too small for the Who's mouses_."

"Awww, Molly." John said as he put his arm around her and gave her a sideways hug.

Sherlock took a deep breath, "And then there's her cousin."

"Oh, Sherlock!" Molly said and buried her head in John's chest.

"What?" John looked from Molly to Sherlock horror written on his face. What else could have happened to poor defenseless Molly Hooper?

"She stole Molly's identity and up until a few weeks ago was living in Hull as Molly Hooper and systematically ruining her good credit and good name."

"Sherlock?!" Molly cried.

"Oh! Yes, she also abducted Toby." He added.

"I thought he ran away! I wondered how you found a cat in the middle of London so easily." John said to his best friend, then he puzzled for a moment. "Sorry, why did she take Toby?"

Molly shook her head.

"She was obsessed with our Molly. Seems she didn't like that Molly is the favored grandchild, wanted to hurt her. Doesn't matter, she's been arrested and the family is well aware of the issue. Not to mention I have persuaded her to never try anything like that again. There is a standing Sherlock Holmes protective order against her." He said smiling.

"You scared the hell out of her Sherlock!" Molly exclaimed.

"I took it easy on her because she was your family and you begged me not to have her deported!"

"Okay, okay!" John threw his hands up in the air. "Fine, I'll admit Molly has had some bad luck but that doesn't mean she can't take care of herself. She just needs..."

Sherlock once again cut in, "I have two words for you John, Dear. Jim."

"Never gonna live that one down..." Molly mumbled, turning a bright shade of red.

"Ah, Sherlock you might want to..." John tried to stop the oncoming storm, to no avail.

"She unknowingly dated a criminal mastermind, if that doesn't scream 'someone stop me before I step on a landmine' than I'll eat the ear hat!"

Molly was fuming, John knew she was about to blow.

"My twenty-four/seven surveillance is quite necessary thank you very much. She's one bad decision away from becoming the next Patty Hearst. I'd very much like to keep that from happening. Frankly if I hadn't started dating her I was terrified to see who she came up with next!"

John could have swore all the occupants of New York City stopped at once, held their breath and looked at the trio at that moment. He watched Molly's face go from angry to a volcanic level of pissed off. He wasn't afraid she was going to break up with the consulting idiot, he was afraid she was going to murder him in the middle of Time Square!

But instead of fashioning a shiv out of her corn dog stick, Molly simply turned around and ran away.

_Oh hell... _ Sherlock and John stared at each other for at least thirty seconds before either of them decided to move. Surprisingly it was John that tore off through the crowd calling out for Molly with Sherlock right behind him. She was nowhere in sight and he was afraid the tiny woman had managed to give them the slip until he heard Sherlock yell his name.

Molly was sitting on the ground in an alley with a scrapped knee and a bloody nose. Sherlock spoke with her for all of seven seconds then ran away at an unbelievable speed.

"What the hell happened? You were only away from us for three minutes, four at the most." John wiped her face with his handkerchief.

_Sniffle,_ "I," _Sniffle,_ "No, it's too... no."

"What Molly? Tell me!"

"I got mugged! I was only away from Sherlock bloody Holmes for five bloody minutes and I got mugged!" She dropped her head onto the building behind her, "Ouch!"

"Oh, it's okay Mol..."

"NO! Don't patronize me! You heard him! I'm pathetic, I'm a newborn bloody kitten! He's only dating me because he's afraid I'll join a cult or get kidnapped and become brainwashed into going on a killing spree. He's just preempting a mass murder!"

John had to laugh at that one, Molly was too upset to notice. Just then Sherlock came sprinting up and then dropped to his knees in front of Molly. "What are you laughing about? Why haven't you tended to Molly's wounds? You call yourself a doctor." Sherlock said as he tossed her handbag at John and gently took her face in his hands. "Are you okay, does it hurt?" He asked.

"I'm fine, I mean yes of course it hurts. I just found out that you're only with me to keep me from doing myself harm."

Sherlock recoiled as if he had been burned, "What?"

"I get it now." She said, "It's sweet I guess, in a sad sort of way..."

"For God's sake Molly what on earth are you talking about?"

"Everything you just said! You pointed out that I clearly can't take care of myself and then insinuated that if you weren't dating me I might find myself suffering from Stockholm syndrome and madly in love with Charles Manson or the like!" She started to get up then crumpled back down, "Damn it, my knee hurts!"

Sherlock took Molly by the shoulders, "I said nothing of the sort!" He took a deep breath, "I admit pointing out all of your... misfortune was bad form. I'm sorry. I'm not with you to keep you from making bad decisions, frankly being with me is most likely on the top of the list of bad judgment on your part. I'm with you because..." He closed his eyes, "I love you."

"You _what_ me?"

"Don't be obtuse Molly! You know I love you, of course you've known, I've just never said it because..."

"Because of you being a tit!" John said behind him.

"Yes, thank you Dr. Watson for butting in on this beautiful moment with my girlfriend."

John chuckled.

"Seriously though Molly, you have to be more cautious, less trusting and for the love of God stop loaning your car to people."

Molly nodded her head, tears streaming down her face. "You're right, I-I know."_ Sniffle,_ "You know I love you too, right?"

Sherlock smiled, "I deduced as much. Come now, we need to tend to your injuries. And John has plenty to share with all of our friends, he doesn't need to be witness to our make up sex as well." He said as he picked her up and they made their way back out onto Broadway.

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_Let me know what you think and come see me on tumble- same name!_

_I couldn't resist the being "Grinched" hope everyone got my reference._


End file.
